i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
