I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize