I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
