when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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