he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
