News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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