i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
