We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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