You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
