The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
