the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
