a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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