i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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