You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
