i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We had to coat check the pizza.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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