Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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