how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
