You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
