shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
