I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
