I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
