Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize