Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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