I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
