Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
