if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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