The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize