ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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