There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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