I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
