2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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