I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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