She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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