I will die if light touches me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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