You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
well you can't waste a boner
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
