i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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