Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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