Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
