Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
