i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
