if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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