Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
