I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
