We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
