The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
