i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
