3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i came on her dog
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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