i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
