Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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