Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize