This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
