I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm jealous of your bromance
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
