I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
