I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
