Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Houston, we have a squirter
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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