i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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