What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
