Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
