I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
